Have you ever heard a whistling tea kettle? A meltdown can feel like you’re the tea kettle. Once you come to a boil, the piercing sound is unavoidable. When I’m having a meltdown, that’s what it feels like.
An autistic meltdown occurs when an autistic person experiences an overwhelming situation. The meltdown might be triggered by a sensory trigger, by social demands, by intense emotions or other causes. When the meltdown occurs, the autistic person loses control, either emotionally, physically or in other ways. It may look like crying, screaming or even withdrawing in silence. The point is, the autistic person cannot stop the meltdown once it is happening.
A meltdown is not a “temper tantrum.” It is not happening to manipulate or impress others in any way. The meltdown is happening to the autistic person, who may, in fact, be embarrassed or feel humiliated either during or after the event.
It has been found1 that an autistic brain processes 42% more information than an allistic (non autistic) brain and thus it stands to reason that our brains can become overwhelmed by events or circumstances that neurotypical people take in stride. While meltdowns may not be common, all autistic people experience these at some point.
A personal story: when I was living in New York City, I was heading across town in a taxi with my daughter to shop at Costco. Unfortunately, neither the cab driver nor we were aware that there was a large parade proceeding down Fifth Avenue that day. The cab driver could not figure out how to get across town. There was a language barrier between the driver and us, and as I watched the meter tick up, I became more and more stressed. I was a grad student on a budget and I saw money disappearing minute by minute. I tried to make a suggestion to the cabbie about how to get around the parade, but really, I was just guessing.
Finally, the meltdown happened. I started screaming and crying. Even as this was happening, I felt shame because of my lack of control. To this day, I am embarrassed when I remember my behavior, even though I understand that it was not a choice, it was something that simply took over.
Recently, I had some visitors who I was glad to see, but who overwhelmed me by their extended visit in my very small living space. I was a “good hostess” and provided food, snacks, beverages, etc.
As mentioned, I live in a small space, and order is one of the ways I keep myself centered. I also, like many autistic folks, need alone time in order to decompress after almost any social situation. My guests made themselves at home and left my space in what, for me, was disarray.
When my company left for the evening, I broke down in great, uncontrollable sobs. I was having a meltdown! I don’t know how long I was crying, but when I finally started to calm down, I resorted to one of my special interests* to help me get myself centered. I was able to clean up, get to bed and get some rest.
The next day, however, I was depleted. I could not sleep well, couldn’t think well, and my body was sore all over. I couldn’t “get anything done” and this depleted state lasted for days until I finally felt like myself again.
What’s the answer to meltdowns? First, know that they are a normal part of who we are! Then, to try to minimize situations where we know they are likely to occur. Perhaps I should have known that I’d be triggered by the visitor situation and made alternative plans for us to go elsewhere and/or engage in an activity outside of my home\. Foresight would have helped. But, in the aftermath of the meltdown, all I could do was exercise self care and self compassion, with the understanding that it would take time to get back to my center.
Meltdowns are one of the less “fun” things about being autistic, and cannot be avoided completely. The best recourse is to accept them when they occur, give ourselves what we need, and understand that they are a natural, if unpleasant, part of our different brain’s way of being.
*Special interests are common to all autistic folks. They bring us joy (see earlier blog post) and comfort.
Autistic Rabbi 